Last night I received an unexpected call from my husband. I told him I was beginning to prepare dinner when he shared his plans of leaving work early to take the family out to eat. My natural reaction was to convince him that I would have prepared dinner by the time he arrived; therefore there wouldn't be a need to spend extra money out. Nonetheless, I took a deep breath and decided that I would enjoy the opportunity and let my hair down, figuratively speaking.
"SPENDING MONEY," had become such a place of anxiety for me, the onset occurred shortly after deciding to give up my corporate job to home school our four children. Then, ages 9,7,4 and 1. Although we were prepared, educated and had completed a series of necessary steps to reduce our debt and expenses, I knew it would be challenging, dealing with the income loss. After several months, which I call the "probation," my husband and I felt God tugging our hearts. During the probation, an increasing desire to take personal responsibility for the rearing, teaching and spiritual direction of our children caused realignment in our goals. For anyone considering home schooling, I would caution you to consider the reason of your decision and how it will impact your family. For my husband and I, this was not an easy process. It took several months of proving and seeking God. I had taken a contract as an Interim Controller during the acquisition of a medical and disability reimbursement law firm. After a year and during the process of negotiations for an extended contract, we decided, it was time. I would take the primary lead as teacher and he, Headmaster. God as the founder.
Shortly after, I began to experience financial anxiety. There was an affinity that I, solely, was somehow responsible for the accounting of every dollar. Now I've never suffered from shop-a-holic or spending binges, so I was confident that my spending would be minimal. So where was the anxiety coming from? My desire to control my husband’s spending became unhealthy. I realized that my desire to control my husband’s spending was causing me stress. I felt totally out of control. The sad part is I never spoke to him about my concern. The truth is he is the most responsible person I know. Years ago we resolved the guilt of wasteful spending. Overcoming the guilt of uncontrollable desires, lavish spending at restaurants, luxury cars, high end clothing and five-star hotel retreats was far behind us. Even then, my husband and I, financially, were on the same accord. In 2005, my husband and I recommitted our lives to Christ. So condemnation was not the culprit here.
The fear of spending became overwhelming, it just wasn't warranted. It became a secret love affair. I knew it was a major problem when I began to detest going to the shopping market. FOOD! No, I'm not kidding.
Through prayer and fasting and communication with my husband I was able to reconcile my issues. It wasn’t just the loss of income; it was the loss of me- false pride. I realized my career was a major component of my self-esteem. Without it, I was grieving the death of who I was, a part that I hadn’t realized I waged when choosing to become who God said I was. It took a while to realize it. To compensate, I would run myself ragged each day, making a checklist of all that I had done as to somehow convince my husband of the value of my contribution to our family. My It wasn't my husband that needed convincing, he was confident in our decision. He never passed up an opportunity to express his approval and his appreciation in my commitment to home school. In his eyes, he never imagined the difference it would make in our children, our marriage and our home. Despite minor concerns, He couldn't be more pleased. His praise was genuine, so I had to look deeper within myself. I too, could see the many benefits of our newly adopted lifestyle. Our home was peaceful, the children composed and settled, it seemed harmonious and I was content or so I thought.
My husband was the sole provider. He had never treated me inferior in our decision making or spending. Quite the contrary, He relied heavily on my input when making decisions about purchases. To alleviate some of my stress, my husband decided to commit time each week to look over the finances with me. This provided me with a sense of responsibility to account for the money but share the responsibility with him as to how it was allocated. Like anything, if you meditate on it, it will outgrow your thoughts. Especially problems, they have a way of peeling back the wall of reality.
What was causing the anxiety?
I had been dealing with this for some time. When I gave up my career it was only one step in the progression to accept who I was in Christ. In 2007, after surrendering to Christ, I was delivered from approval addition. Now salvation is free, it's so easy that many will not accept it, but deliverance, is a process. Like any addiction the symptoms are not always present until you walk away from it. Just as sin, no one can know the strength of sin, until you try to walk away from it. This is why we must lay every weight that easily snares us, aside.
Thank God for revealing the truth. Christ, I understood offered me an abundant life and so I sought the throne of God. It wasn’t bitterness of handling the finance alone or guilty of reckless spending from the past, it wasn't even jealousy for my husband's ability to spend freely that caused me anxiety. Once I acknowledged my identity was wrapped up in a false thing, I denounce Satan's lies and the chains that bound me were loosed. Many of us identify with our occupation as a major component of our self-worth.
Do you value yourself?
Not the person others perceive neither your choice of occupation, nor measured by your deeds no matter how great. That was a major issue for me, but today I am delivered and walking in the newness of discovering who Christ says I am. I've learned the benefits of relationships are affected by our relationship with God. Relation to God is the true indicator of who we are. When we realize who He is, we are, in return transformed in our thinking. As a result we will have the ability to accept His creation, yourself. This opens us the opportunity to build lasting relationships that are based on truth. Releasing guilt, shame and fear cannot be accomplished without truth.
When we seek God, we must be willing to decrease, by allowing Him to increase in us. God promises if we seek His will, we will always find it. I positioned myself for increase by becoming lost in Him.
May the revelation of God's delight in accepting who we are in Him bring increase in faith and strengthen us as we are girded in truth.
-a servant's heart
Disclaimer. A servant's utterance is copyright protected (c) 2011 a servant's heart and the information contained expresses personal views and values of a servant’s heart. The passage in its entirely may be forwarded or linked without consequence however, for any non-personal excerpt for print or publication should request consent from a servant's heart prior to use.
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